True Life Stories I Just Made Up
Chuck Norris’ (Chuck Norris) seed is so potent that he produced a black son—without a woman!
Or, maybe not. I did zone out about 5 minutes in. I might have fabricated that bit of head canon to spice up this otherwise boring film.
Someone holds the world record for the bloodiest fart. No one cares because it’s gross and humiliating. Sadly, someone’s greatness will go unrecognized for posterity’s sake.
Did you know that after his humiliating defeat by nerds (Revenge of the Nerds) and subsequent conversion into a nerd (Revenge of the Nerds 2: Nerds in Paradise), Ogre realized he had to do something to get his brohood back? That is why he traveld to Hong Kong to fight in the kumite. Sadly, being a secondary character, there was no chance for a happy ending for old Ogre. Thus the nerdification had left him too flaccid and inoffensive, which lead to his third, pride obliterating defeat. Sorry, brah.
While the movie ends on a cheesy high note, what happens right as the credits roll is Sgt. Hartog and Mustafa return. They snatch Lyon up—psych sucker!—to face trial for desertion and treason. Helene falls into the bottle to escape the pain of losing another Gaultier. She sells little Nicole to the Seaver family, where she becomes Chrissy Seaver. Such pathos. Who had it worse? Lyon, imprisoned forever in a French Legion gulag? Helene plagued by alcohol and gingervitis? Or Chrissy, growing up with Kirk Cameron?
In 1990, after years of pleading, Jean-Claud Van Damme finally gave his twin brother, John-Clod Van Damme, a chance at stardom in the role of his twin brother in Double Impact. There relationship fell apart when John-Clod flashed the white power symbol at the end of the film. They still haven’t reconciled.
