Note: Names have been left out to protect the stupid.
(but our name is known, it’s the site’s URL! what are we saying here?)
You shut up.
* * *
There’s nothing controversial about saying the internet is full of bat-shit crazy theories. Duh, right? And all unmarried men are bachelors. A=A. Tell us something we don’t know, Commander Evidenticus.
Then there are the fan theories. And THEN there are Star Wars fan theories. A hotbed of crazy that makes a Taco Bell cheat day before a kegger look brilliant in comparison.
I recently got into an argument with my ex wife about her Star Wars fan theory, a theory which she supported with aguments from an article on the internet. Yeah, take a second to parse that. Argument with The Ex. Star Wars fan theory. Internet support.
(this is going to be an exercise in idiocracy with extreme predjudice, isn’t it?)
Yep. It is.
(who’s the bigger fool? the fool or the fool who follows her?)
A few nights back, I was sleeping soundly when my phone rang. I ignored it as any normal person does, but the person called back. And then called again. Hmm. Multiple calls in rapid succession. This was something important, so I looked at my phone. It was The Ex. The phone rang again.
Damn it.
I sat up to prepare myself. I took a deep breath and slid to answer. Before I could get out my hello she blasts, “Kylo and Rey. They’re twins, right?”
I should have hung up.
We spent the next hour going around, The Ex, her New Husband, and myself, arguing about this question. The Ex was arguing in favor. Me and New Husband were arguing against.
Full disclosure: There had been some whiskey consumed, and considering that The Ex recently had a kidney removed, the inebriation was probably stronger than normal.
After much sighing and face palming and non sequitur interruptions, we said our good byes. Neither side made an inch with the other.
I was sure it was all just a drunk-dial conversation and then the next day I received a text. It was a link to the article “These ‘Last Jedi’ Clues That Kylo Ren & Rey Are Brother & Sister Will Have You Totally Convinced”. This was supposed to prove that she was right. Someone on the internet said it so it must be true.
(just because something is on the internet doesn’t mean it is automatically wrong.)
True. I was not trying to say that I was dismissing the article as bullshit off hand. I am arguing that articles on the internet, particularly ones that have to do with Star Wars fan theories, are suspect. Highly suspect. Everyone knows the internet is a ratchet hive of scum and villainy.
(this is on the internet.)
I read the article and found the title to be misleading click bait. Before I could respond, The Ex dropped all the points made in the article and started in with her alternative theories: Rey is a descendant of Obi Wan, or a descendant of a Sith, or Rey and Ren are cousins.
Ugh.
“Can we PLEASE stay on target before you go off on all possible variations of your damn fool theories?” I asked.
But she was on a roll, likely not reading my texts, so she plowed on. “They are team Reylo. Get it?”
Stay on target. Stay on target.
As for the article, there are four main points that Casey Cipriani made.
Firstly, in The Force Awakens, Cipriani cites Kylo Ren asking, “What girl?” when he is told that Finn and BB-8 have escaped the First Order troops. This is proof that they, Rey and Ren, know one another. Uhm… what? How does that suggest that he knows her? That question is LITERALLY the opposite. When Ren is told Finn and BB-8 have escaped with a girl, he naturally asks about her. Up until this point it was two guys and a droid they were looking for.
Totally. Not. Convinced.
The Ex was though. Kylo was “playing dumb” because he “felt the connection.”
“Why?” I asked.
. . .
Total silence.
Second, Cipriani points out that a “major plot point” is Rey and Ren can communicate telepathically. Uhm… yeah. So what? So did Luke and Obi Wan (both in life and death). Luke also communicated with Vader and Leia telepathically. ForceTime calls seem to be a well established Force thing. Yeah, Rey and Ren have the latest features, namely video, but that’s a function of technological advances (read cool special effects for the movie), not familial connection. And technically, Yoda had video, too. But he used it like Santa, or pervy uncles at nude beaches, watching Luke from afar for all those years.
Totally. Not. Convinced.
The Ex was though. Why? Because, as she mentioned earlier, Rey’s a descendant of Obi Wan’s. She heard his voice, both Alan Guinness (sic) and Ewan McGregor, when she finds the lightsaber in The Force Awakens.
At this point you, like I, are probably wondering, how does this establish Rey and Ren’s relationship, or tie in with their ability to communicate telepathically? Because, according to The EX, the lightsaber was calling it’s rightful owner.
Yeah . . . Right . . .
Stay on target. Stay on target.
Third, Cipriani notes that Rey and Ren’s strength in the Force is equal. Uhm . . . yeah. Again, so what? Where is it established that siblings have equal strength in the Force because they’re related. Luke and Leia are twins but they are not equal in the Force. Does this mean they are not really related? Or does the Force equilibrium skip a generation? I’m a simple man so there may be something very elementary I’m missing, but this just doesn’t make sense. I mean, DNA, or something similar, is a better way to tell if someone is related than midichlorians. Besides,
Totally. Not. Convinced.
But The Ex— you know where I’m going. She retorts, “My Child One, My Child Two, My Child Three, and myself (sic) are strong in the Force.”
Brain cells . . . committing suicide . . .
Finally, Cipriani argues that sexual tension between Rey and Ren, specifically the shirt off ForceTime call, points to them being brother and sister. Weird, sexually-charged tension was how it worked with Luke and Leia, so . . .
WTF kind of skeevy mother fuckers write for this site? If people are attracted to one another they’re related? That’s how things work in the Star Wars universe, is it? Are you kidding me? By that reasoning Han and Leia are related, too. There is a fair amount of stupid ass shit in the Star Wars universe, but fuck. Even Jar Jar isn’t that bad.
Totally. Not. Convinced.
At which point The Ex texts, “Obi Wan had the lightsaber in his possession for far longer than Luke did so I am now going with my second guess [Rey is a descendant of Obi Wan’s]. Or maybe her dad was a Sith Lord.”
And for some reason she brings up the little boy who is using the Force to sweep the stables at the end of The Last Jedi. “The boy is the son of two Jedi in hiding. They will surface.”
Sigh.
The LAST Jedi. Last. No more. Luke is the only Jedi left in the universe. Last.
I’m mistaken, according to The Ex. See, Ren was in training to be a Jedi. Therefore, he’s a Jedi. And Rey, she had three lessons, so she, too, is a Jedi. Q.E.D. Luke is not the last Jedi.
I’ll admit that I think Rian made some very bad decisions with The Last Jedi, but this made perfect sense. Besides, he was pretty fucking clear on this point. I mean, it is right there in the title. But The Ex was not having it. “Rey is strong in the Force. The lightsaber called to her. So she’s a Jedi. Or at the very least a Jedistress (sic).”
“She has the sacred Jedi texts…” The Ex started.
Fuck me! What does this have to do with her being Ben Solo’s sister?
And it hit me right as New Husband texted, “Now she’s just trolling.”
Fucking hell! She pulled the ultimate troll on us. The Force is strong with this o—
“Trolling?” she asked.
“Saying crazy things to get a rise out of us,” New Husband answered.
“Oh. I didn’t know what that meant.”
“And you don’t know what you’re talking about with Star War neither,” I exploded.
“Yep. I was trolling the whole time.”
As I’m trying to process the Jedi Troll Trick she’s just played, she texted, “You can buy me a Diet Coke and a hot dog when it turns out I’m right about Rey and Ben.”
Wait, what? I can . . . you . . . trolling . . . ?
Nope. I’m out. Get me once, shame on you. Get me twice:
P.S. Want an ACTUALLY totally convincing argument? The real one that only a true Star Wars nerd would ever figure out? Their names: Rey and Ben. Same middle letter. If you go with Rey and Ren then the first TWO letters are the same. I mean, Luke and Leia, the only other siblings in the SWU, have exactly one letter in common. Rey and Ben/Ren. Amirite? Come on. Think about it.
Eh. I didn’t think so either, but it’s better than their related because they’ve got the hots for one another.
Damnable Humbuggery 