Shitty Movie Detail: Kickboxer

Kurt taking some QUESTIONABLE vacation photos.

July “Murica Day” 4th Edition 2021

FT, Fartiste Theater's frankenthing mascot.

Dafuq did I just watch?

At about the 3:52 mark, there are shots of nekkid Thai boys jumping in the river. What’s more, as Kurt (Jean-Claude Van Damme) and Eric Sloane’s (Dennis Alexio) boat passes by them, Kurt turns to take a picture.

Seriously. What. The. FUCK?!?

Shitty Movie Detail: Death Warrant

Sandman welcoming Burke to hell.

July “Murica Day” 4th Edition 2021

FT, Fartiste Theater's frankenthing mascot.

During the final boss fight, Sandman (Patrick Kilpatrick) tells Burke (Jean-Claude Van Damme), “Welcome to hell.” Today I learned the gates to Hell are in the bowels of Harrison State Prison in California. 

And now you know.

Shitty Movie Detail: Universal Soldier

Unisols lined up for inspection.
FT, Fartiste Theater's frankenthing mascot.

Ice T’s metal band, Body Count, provided a song for the closing credits: Body Count’s in the House. It’s a subtle and multi-layered song that is the very height of ‘90s cinematic ethos. It’s repeating verses:

Body Count. Body Count.
Body Count. Body Count…

And the chorus:

Body Count’s in the house. Body Count.
Body Count’s in the house. Body Count…

C’est magnifique!

Shitty Movie Detail: Lionheart

Helen, Nicole, and Lyon Gaultier
FT, Fartiste Theater's frankenthing mascot.

While the movie ends on a cheesy high note, what happens right as the credits roll is Sgt. Hartog and Mustafa return. They snatch Lyon up—psych sucker!—to face trial for desertion and treason. Helene falls into the bottle to escape the pain of losing another Gaultier. She sells little Nicole to the Seaver family, where she becomes Chrissy Seaver. Such pathos. Who had it worse? Lyon, imprisoned forever in a French Legion gulag? Helene plagued by alcohol and gingervitis? Or Chrissy, growing up with Kirk Cameron?